In the same way, I tell you, He is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost. matthew 18:14
I realize that our God and Father is not wanting us to wander, to stray, but rather to be held in the palm of His hand, following gladly where He leads. I also realize there is great freedom in following Him. If only I was able to let go of my own desire to be the leader.
It seems so simple when I watch my children grow. They long to be the leader, and desire so strongly to have everyone else follow.Although they long to be the leader, they also are willing to follow. Where does the passion and push to be in front come from? Isn't it safer to stay back some and be part of the crowd? Isn't it the first one around the corner who usually gets hit? Isn't there safety in numbers?
Why then do I have this need to know? To be the one in the front with the controls in my hand? Do I really think that I can control any of what happens? I wonder what it is that gives me the illusion that I can do something, anything, better than He who created the universe...
Say that I decide successfully what to do with my day, from breakfast to doctor to lunch, naps and then dinner and bed again....how does this compare in any miniscule sort to creating a bird? from nothing.... Okay, starting smaller, how about a worm. Taking a cell and turning it into millions of cells, differentiating them one from the other in such a manner that they perform different functions...while I admit to being able to create a dinner from ingredients on hand, creating a living being is....well, I'll save it for the Creator. I feel honored to have been a vessel for three living beings, but had no role in making sure all those cells made the right move on the path to their final destination.
So what does this have to do with being lost? I am so lost. I am so far lost right now that it doesn't seem as if I will ever be found. The good Lord above is always watching and I am sure, always ready for me to jump wholeheartedly into His arms, but I am scared. I am able to see that there is freedom in Him, that I won't have to worry about so many things should I choose to be in Him completely, but I am so fearful of letting go of what I know that I don't know how to love Him completely, wholly. We have decisions coming up that scare me so badly that I feel sick. Do I know it will all work out? Yes. Do I know that He is good? Yes. Do I know for certain that if I pray and follow Him He will lead me into greater joy and freedom, passion and contentedness than I ever could dream possible? Unequivocably, yes. So what is holding me back? My own short-sighted fears of leaving what I know now to be relatively safe. My desire to keep things the SAME, as in the S-A-M-E that they have been for long to enough to be comfortable paralyzes me. I know that I trust Him enough to get through this, but inside I am struggling. I know He doesn't want me lost. I know that I will make it through another day, but only by His Grace.
