Responsibility

It's been a long time, Lord....I know You haven't forgotten me, nor I, You....but I have been away from this computer, and this place to share my thoughts. But tonight You are working in me and I feel compelled to write. So I will...

First, You have been working in me since before I was born. You have started a great work in me, though I don't know that I could pinpoint, or even "broad side of a barn" locate it...but I do know that without a doubt, You are there.

In the last few days You put a book into my hands. Written by a man who spent time on his face, so much so that he wore the floor boards in his office into grooves...THAT takes effort, time, and patience. I have so much to learn. I was reading his book, and am learning about possession. Even before today, I would try to emphasize in my own heart that I don't OWN things. I always start there...that the "stuff" around me is that, just STUFF. All just things. Things can be replaced. Certainly exceptions, those heirlooms that are of sentimental value, or photos...but still, as the saying goes, you can't take it with you. For that I am so glad! I can't imagine trying to pack!! As I was thinking about possession, I was hit with the idea of Responsibility. The Things- and I capitalize Things, because they seem to take on a life of their own! - around me are mine. I possess them. But they do nothing in return. Sure, some perform a service, in the kitchen perhaps, or trigger a memory, or brush my teeth. From the exotic- not too much of that around here-, to the mundane, there are so many things here that I possess. If they break, and this is where it hit me, Lord...I am responsible for them. Ahhh...responsible. A duty.

I start with Things. I love some of them. My camera. I really enjoy having a car. I would be inconvenienced without it. When the weather is nice, I love my bike. Love the trailer that goes with it, so I can take kiddos along. I love warm, cozy blankets. But it doesn't take long to get done with Things. I try to remember to give them to You, Lord. That they are not mine, I am just borrowing them. I remember that for our kiddos, we stress what is important...we ask them, People or Things? We always hope they have the "right" answer...People, of course.

So when I am done with Things, I move on to PEOPLE. I think of those whom I love. Grandma, Mom, Dad, Brother, In-laws, nieces and nephews, cousins, friends. I try to give them to You. I pray that they are safe in Your hands, in Your care, in Your Grace. The ones I love come first. I would miss them if they were gone. I would be devastated if some of them were to go to be with You...but in my safety and naivete, I like to think that I would be joyful -at some level- for their chance to be with You in Your House! Then....after I have thought of those whom I love, that's when it gets hard....next comes those whom I LOVE.

It's different, Lord. love and LOVE. Don't You think, Father? As my Father, I am sure that You LOVE all Your children. I can't conceive of someone that You only would love. For You are GOD. And that is how it is with me...not that I am GOD, but that I LOVE four people. ...I try to give them to You, but it is painfully obvious that I struggle with it.

This book that You put in my hands, the part I am reading now is about being blessed by possessing nothing...it talks about Abraham. You asked him, Abraham, to take his son, to KILL him...according to this particular author, You asked this of Abraham because You saw that his child had taken Your place in his heart. From where You had reigned supreme in Abraham's heart, Isaac now sat. It started innocently enough, for Abraham was old when Isaac was born, he'd probably given up hope of having children...but this was Your covenant with him. So when Isaac was born, imagine the joy, the blessing, the celebration, the RELIEF. Of course, all those promises You had made would come to pass, now, here with this child, Isaac. And Isaac grew, he walked, he talked. He smiled at his mom and dad, he fell and scraped his knees, he cried, and he went to them for comfort. He learned alongside his dad, he asked for advice, he outgrew clothes, and he learned new skills. He became a man alongside his father, Your servant. I wrestle with this joy also. For when I look at my children, YOUR children. I am so blessed by them. When I look at my husband, YOUR son, I am so honored. In my weakness, I cannot fathom losing them. When I think of giving them to You, I choke. Don't You understand, Lord? I LOVE them!

I need them.

I think of my life without those whom I LOVE, and I suffocate. I claw at my throat, tears well in my eyes, and my stomach heaves. My baby. My boys. My partner and friend. I am lost. I am alone. I am parched and starved. I ache with longing for them, just in thinking of giving them to You. I would be nothing...worthless. Without them, lost. Wandering. Desolate. Their voices ring in my ear, I can see their expressions in my mind's eye, I imagine them on a constant reel in my head. They have wrapped their fingers around my heart, and I do...I LOVE them. You know this, right? Of course.

While I have been Away, I have struggled with the cliche of how to "give things to God". So this "possessing", this "responsibility", this LOVE...I have no answers. Except to say that I cannot imagine how it will happen. That I will give them to You.

Abraham was rich, yet he possessed nothing. He had given it all to You. There he was, about to slay his son, ready, because in the night he had come to the conclusion that You would raise him from the dead! He knew that You were faithful in Your promise to make a nation of Isaac! and so he trusted You.

I'd say that things were different then, that You talked to Your people differently than You do now....but I don't know for sure.

So when I think about Things, I'd like to say that I am pretty okay with giving them to You. I know I have gotten better.

When I think about those whom I love, I am not okay with giving them to You, but I try each day.

But there are desires in my heart, people and hopes that I LOVE. and I cry out to think that I have to give them up. I am wrenched to think that I must say goodbye. That I may have to accept that I will never have this dream. To give it all to You, and let You decide. It is a daily, hourly, minute by minute struggle. Tug-of-war with my heart. my soul. my ache.

To Abraham, perhaps You said something like this "It's all right. I only wanted to remove (this) from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love."

Really?

But I LOVE them.

and through my drying tears, Your Spirit intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express...and I come to a realization. O my Father, You DO know. You do know that I LOVE them, that I would be bereft, devastated, alone, if You took them from me. You know because You did it. You LOVED Your Only Son, and yet You killed Him for me. You gave Him to me...and look what I did with Him. I was responsible for Him, I was to take good care, and I broke Him. But You knew this ahead of time, and still You trusted me. and to this day, You trust me. You long for my LOVE. In the temple of my heart, You long to be KING. And I have others there because I LOVE them.

I promise you, daily, nightly, I will talk to You. I will come to You. I will offer them to You, even though I LOVE them...I LOVE You, too. I will, I will offer them to You, and I will pray that they are safe in Your keeping. For You are God, my God, and You will never forsake me.

But please don't take them. Or take me, too. I don't know if I could be here without them. I LOVE them.

I can't just give them to You, but I will try. again, and again, and again...perhaps someday, I will be able to give them to You completely, only by Your Grace.

Glory.

I missed You this morning.
I missed seeing You come up over the mountains.
How You start with the palest shades imaginable of pinks and blues.
How all the hills from front to back are black with the night, but then You layer them with shades of gray creating depth where before there was flat darkness.

I missed seeing You gently blend the pinks and blues with purple. Watching You streak the clouds in the sky with orange and white.
And the part where the sky turns to amber and gold, when it seems all day has arrived, and the horizon all around me glows with light, I love that part.

I missed seeing You this morning. Just when I thought things couldn't get any brighter, that we had all the light we needed - goes to show what I know...that's when You break out the sun.

First it comes out with a nudge, a tiny razor of hot yellow that is responsible for turning the sky all those amazing colors. That's about all I can watch...then I must turn my face away from watching each moment and am only able to steal back glimpses.

Like a torch in the most absent of light, You bring on the sun in fullness. The sky goes from bright yellow and orange, promising the day, to being day, full of blues and white clouds. You have exploded in Glorious daylight, once again delivering on a promise of another day...

Is that what it will be like to be with You? In Your presence? That we will be able to look all around You, but not at You, that Your Glory will shine with such radiance and heat that we will have to steal only glimpses? Oh, what delight.

Thank You, Lord, for giving us this day. For exploding onto the scene with fullness and Glory, with delight and radiance. Your arrival each day - though You never leave, is different each time...but the same also. Yes, Lord, I missed You coming this morning, but I am so grateful that even though I missed You, that You will still meet me. That I can still walk through my day with You. Thank You, for being there, each and every day, whether I meet You or not. Can we make a date for tomorrow? I will be working, but will be safe in Your eyes, I raise my eyes to look for You, to watch for You, and I would love a moment to be met by Your Grace.

Help me to open the door to my heart,
That I may let You in.

Help me to open the shutters to my soul,
That I might let You enter.

Help me, O Lord, to lift the blinds from my eyes,
That through You, I might see.

Help me, O Lord, to release the string from my heart,
That You might cause it to swell.

Help me, O my Christ, to let go my tongue,
That I might speak with Your Grace.

O Lord, help me be a vessel. A light. Salt for this time.

O lovely, O how Captivating, My Saviour, You who came to SAVE...
Dwell in me, that I might find rest for a soul that is aching.

Answers? Plans? Money? Things? Places? even people?

Help me, Dear Son of God, to need...
to want....
to hunger and thirst....
only for You.

Help me, I ask, in Your most precious name,
to be receptive.

To understand, and to desire just Your bread. Your water. Your Life giving presence.

On me.
This moment.
Today.

Amen...

Colossians 4:6
6Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Please, O Lord Most High, please, give me your Grace in my conversations. Let my tongue be ruled by You. When I trip, let it be over something not of my own doing. I have complete and utter faith in You, my King, to lift me up and sustain me. To raise me from my knees to wrap my arms around your neck and bury my face against You, seeking and finding all the comfort I need. Let my words bring honor to You and to those around me. In my weakness You are my strength....thank you.

Moment.

Let me try to paint a word picture. The Bible is full of them, and so many, if the time is taken, are so beautiful that they bring tears to the eyes, and a swelling to the heart.

Tonight. Under the shade of a mighty oak close to 100 years old, the grass is green, soft and welcoming. A light breeze ripples through the leaves, creating a whisper of summer. The air is warm, and smells of heat, barbecue, and laundry. Perfect.

Sitting on the grass, the one year old alternates climbing in and out of my lap. Out...holding my shoulder with one hand, stepping over my criss-crossed legs, wobbling on his own, then backing up, little bootie out, to lower himself into my lap. plunk. The 4 year old...brimming with excitement, smiles bubbling over with joy. Lying on his stomach for full benefit. The 6 year old is criss-cross also. He is growing up so big. So fast. Thick hair ruffled by the breeze, smile lazy and full. Happy from a busy day.

Watermelon. Red. Ripe. Juicy. The one year old, out of the lap, reaching forward to grab a piece from my hand. "AAAHHHH", he says. The 4 year old, lying on his stomach to eat like a puppy, juice dribbling, no, rolling, sloshing down his chin, spread from red cheek to red cheek. The 6 year old, so big, sitting so straight, juice flowing freely down his chin also.

All healthy. All strong. All miracles. All amazing. And I look at it and say, "It is good."

For a moment, all the world is forgotten. The hurry, the rush, the anger, frustration, worry, fears, and brokenness of this corrupt world....vanished. For a moment, God is present. Fully, and without compromise. In the children. In me. In full and unabashed contentment.

Thank you. I could feel Your arms around me, Lord. I could see Your likeness in the faces of Your children. Your company was comfort. Your presence, perfection. Your goodness, full of Grace. O Lord, I long for more moments. For You to be in them. For You to surround my days, and fill my heart.

Thank you. For a moment. May I have more? by Your Grace, may I please, have more?

I.

Hebrews 10:10 And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.

I. Once. As in the number. Once for all. Never needing again. Final. Opening and closing all in one occurance. No sequel. No prequel. Only. That He died for me, and saved me from my thoughts, habits, ways, manners, actions, lack of grace, missing of mercy, departure from kindness. He. died. for. me. And He did it once. Never needs to be done again.

I. As in the number of trees we were forbidden from eating. Only one. One garden. One man. One woman. One serpent. One question. One action. One occasion where one choice was made. One decision. One bite. Once shared. One swerve off the path of good. One point for evil.

I. As in the person. Myself. Singular. Only. If I were the only person in the world. He still would have died once. After having lived once. Taught once. He would have died once. For me. And being the only one, I would have been judge and jury. I would have been the only one there to nail Him to the cross so that he could die for me. As I pounded the nails. I would have heard the echo of the hammer on steel spikes. I would have looked into His eyes. I would have seen the anguish. I would have seen the question there. Why? I would have looked to the heavens as the skies grew dark. I would have been alone. with. Him. saved. by. Him. alone.

I. As in the Alpha. and the Omega. The first and foremost. The only. The overwhelming. The Saviour. The Creator. Once and for all. The most Holy. The giver of Grace, the maker of Mercy. The God of Love and Fierce Jealousy. Free to choose. The sacrifice. The love. The death.

I. One day. One time. One moment. One choice. Once saved.

Revealed.

Shrouded in mist. Veiled in gray. Heavy with moisture, the air drips. Not even enough light for a shadow. And yet, I know the sun is coming. I can see it - through the clouds. I have talked before about dark and light, how He brings the sun up in His own measure of time. Today was no different, but it was. Again the same, and again so spectacular. With a crack in the cloud cover, a hint of His Glory shines through. Enough for a budding hope.

Paul again...2 Cor. 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ who is the image of God....

What kind of god (small 'g') has blinded me? I believe the god of comfort. I would like to be comfortable. I tend to shirk away from things that are not comfortable. I don't enjoy confrontation and shy from conflict. I exercise, but don't like to do so to the point of pain or discomfort. I'd love to have more security in where we are as a family, but am reluctant to chase the stability of employment somewhere else. So I retreat into my safe little corner, and long for the glory of perfect harmony to be revealed!

It. will. never. happen.

Not just waiting for it. I have to suffer a little. Paul goes on....2 Cor. 4: 10-12...We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

When I am in pain, do I recognize that this is the death of Christ in me? Do I thank Him for sharing His pain?????

I heard a friend say recently regarding the death of their spouse of 38+ years..."I have to embrace the pain, for greater then will be the joy when it comes."

And yet I long for the Experience of Christ. I recently heard a sermon that said "If Christ were to appear RIGHT NOW and ask you to do something you didn't want to do, would you do it?" You know it would be for His glory, and for His goodness, but it is something you don't want to do. It would be hard. It would most certainly be uncomfortable.

My stomach turns, grinds, aches, while my legs keep moving on the bike. I ask for Him to reveal Himself and break through the clouds. Like a child on a car ride, "are You out yet?" "have You broken through the clouds yet?" "Have You set the day on fire and chased away the gloom?"

no. So I put my head down, and retreat into my pain. My discomfort. But I know, from past experience, and from hearing His message, that if I ask, and if I wait....

Then it happens. I come around the corner, and peering down over the valley, He has lifted the veil. He has drawn back the curtain. He has painted the day with Light! Streaming in from the heavens, every drop a prism, all the colors awash in ethereal luminescence. He shows Himself from the heights. Glorious. Joy. Awe. Astounding. Spellbound. humbling.

The life of Christ is alive in this day! The Glory of the Lord is on fire! He does reign! From on high, He is revealed! In His good time, in His measure, and by His Grace.

Shepherd

Ahh, the words of King David...a lowly shepherd boy who became a great king, who became known as a man after God's own heart.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Truly, I need a shepherd. I long to let Him make me lie down. Sometimes our good Heavenly Father makes us lie down. Sometimes through sickness, sometimes a gentle longing to rest. I long for Him to wrap His arms around me and restore me! To lead me, to depend on Him....completely.
Sheep are not known for their intelligence, they are instead thought of to be sort of slow, and certainly simple minded. They don't try to take things into their own hands....oh to be a sheep.
I say this psalm to my littlest one each night before I lay him down. He leans in to me and places his forehead on my chin. It is a complete surrender to rest, to being held and to being loved. Jesus says to let the children come to him. That if we have faith such as little children, then ours will be the kingdom of heaven. I know, when I am worried or distressed, that I am not giving glory to my Father, but instead am honoring satan in his work of destruction. I am giving credence to the fallen angel, giving power to his schemes of worry, stress, fear and pain. My heavenly Father loves me TOO MUCH to let my soul be damned eternally. I know that there will be pain and fear and hardship in this life, but oh so much more is the JOY that awaits in the next. But right here, right now, I have loving children, family and friends...and my heavenly Father. I am not alone. While I may rail and rant, while I may cry and be saddened, it must not last. I believe that even my Father gets sad, but when we turn it around, He delights in us. For me to be sad is okay. For me to get worried is okay. But for me to carry it, for me to take my own burdens and KEEP them is NOT OKAY. For me to hold steadfast to fear and anxiety and worry is not in obedience to my Father who loves me.

Help me today, Father, to lie my head against you while you whisper in my ear. Help me to be restored in you, to be led along your paths, and to know that Goodness and mercy shall follow me as I follow you all the days of my life.
Thank you for allowing me to see you, Lord, thank you for allowing my eyes to be opened today, and to smile again, by your Grace.

Oh, My Soul...

I hurt. I used to say that my heart hurts. Most of the time I am able to keep going and cover it over with the events of daily life, but every now and again I am unable to keep it at bay. The hurt. When I am distracted I am much happier, but then when I slow down, I see it again. I feel it again. I ache.
I also want to curse at You. I want to shake my fist and scream. But I am not a screamer, so I cry....and I ache. I close my eyes, and wonder at who I would be if I didn't feel this way. I yearn to be satisfied. I desire to end my discontent....and when I am distracted, it is not a problem. But when I slow down and feel the end of the day, when it all catches up to me, I burn.
Fat tears well up in my eyes and I feel them coursing through my soul. It's like something is eating me from the inside and won't stop. An almost physical pain that holds me down and makes me question all of You.

So I pray. I try to strike a deal with you. An "if - then" kind of proposition. "If You will....then I will...." and as the God of the Universe, the Maker of All Creation...You, and You alone have the power to answer my plea.

As my Heavenly Father, don't you want me happy? Your word says that if we ask in Your name then You will give us the desires of our hearts...in fact, that our joy will be complete!John 16:23

23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

And this is where I get in trouble. I am not knowledgeable about Your Word to take things out of context. So I wonder, am I truly asking in Your name?

Because I so want this, I want to be asking in Your name so that You'll give it to me! I am impatient. I am fretful. I am sore. I am lost. I am envious. I am hurting. I feel so empty. And yet, if we ask in Your name, our Heavenly Father will give, and my joy will be complete. What bliss!!

What is it that is so very wrong with me that I can't handle where I am? Why push? Why the disturbing feelings? Why the vexation? Why can't I get past this? Why does it seem there is only one answer to my thorn?

And then I read from Job...where his doubts are becoming destructive in his belief that You would do good for him....You answer....Job 40, 41, 42

Brace yourself like a man; I will question you. and you shall answer me.
Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself? Do you have an arm like God's, and can your voice thunder like his? Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor and clothe yourself ni honor and majesty. Unleash the fury of your wrath.....

You continue and talk about the wonders and marvels You have created, and how they are too much for the simple man....and I am oh, so simple.

Then Job answers You....I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?" Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, Listen now, and I will speak, I will question you, and you shall answer me. My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despised myself and repent in dust and ashes.

things too wonderful for me to know. For I know the plans You have for me...plans to prosper me, for good, not evil.

Open my eyes, Father, let me see...let me heal....by Your Grace.

Strength.

Paul again...Ephesians 3:14
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Louie Giglio talks about laminin...amazing little tiny cellular structure that works within us at the most fundamental of levels....It is in the shape of a cross. Jesus is there with us at the most fundamental of levels. The most basic functioning finds Him inside of us. And yet there were people before He came and died, and they must have had this laminin....before the significance of the cross....hmmm. With the triune God all One, could there really have been a "before" the significance of the cross...probably not. Before the event on the cross, yes, but before the significance? No, probably not. He is in us.

He is strength. He is power. I love Paul's imagery of getting dressed with the power and the protection of God. He uses descriptions of clothing that is rooted in protection. A belt, a breastplate, a shield and a helmet, a sword. He tells us to have our feet fitted with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. Our shield of faith that will extinguish flaming arrows. How heroic our God has made us. How daring and bold we are to go forth with His as our garb! With Him as our breastplate and shield. There is no dragon of fear, no beast of worry, no demon of selfishness that can stand once we are clothed in the armor of the Lord. He is our strength and shield! He is our portion. With the bodies given us in His image - as if that weren't enough - He still gives us Himself on the outside. From head to toe He protects His children.

And on the inside He is there. Not just in our hearts, but in the very fiber of our being. In the laminin that binds and functions at the cellular level. Within and without, He is the master of my being.

The God of the Universe - the One who created all we see - He is the armor that protects and delights me in my day. He is the One who holds my right hand and will not let me fall....and from inside, where I doubt, where I question, where I worry and fret, He is the glue, the hold-fast-togetherness that keeps my body functioning....I will make it another day, by His Grace.

Cut Off. Grace.

If I could sit down and have dinner with Paul the Apostle, I think I would be dumbfounded. I would hope to know ahead of time and have ready question upon question upon question...and then I think that perhaps I, a person who can tend to run off at the mouth and say things less than eloquent, would be speechless. I find his directness refreshing, and his frankness to be self-searching. His forthrightness is bracing, and yet, despite the thoughts and the self conviction, he is also straightforward, easy to understand, and compassionate....every now and again I have the privilege of spending time with someone who has a few of those qualities, but to have all of them??

Paul has made me think again today as I am reading through his letter to the Romans. In Chapter 11 he is talking about the remnant of Israel. Who will be left and remain faithful to the Lord? He uses the analogy of an olive tree.

Verse 17- If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. You will say then, "Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in." Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but be afraid. For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either.

Salvation. When I was born, I was baptized in the church. My children have been baptized in the church. Does this mean that my branches are native? Am I not a wild shoot, but a cultivated one?
I know that the road that I have traveled in my short life has been filled with times that my faith was not what I stood upon, but instead what took up space in the back corner of the closet. It was like the sun today- hidden. Day is here, and with it, the clouds and rain, but without the sun we would still have darkness.

I want to be noticed, I suppose I would be one of those arrogant branches. I also long to be nourished...and I am learning how to be nourished. Through His word, on a daily basis, and through learning more about myself, from Him. I need to learn to not be arrogant, but to be afraid...why would God spare me???

Almost immediately I start to think about how I could save myself, what could I do? How could I ensure my place on the tree? But then I go back in the chapter to verse 6...."and if by grace, then it is no longer by works, if it were, then grace would no longer be grace."

Our Heavenly Father does things with so much order, precision, balance. Yesterday, sun. Today, rain. More accurately, today, obscured sun. For He is always there, always bringing light, always inviting us to Him. I cannot earn a place on the olive tree. It too, is a gift, given, not earned...by His Grace.

Light and Shadow

Today, reading from Romans 10:9, 10
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord, " and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

And it is with my eyes that I see Him following me, pacing me, never ahead, and yet always ahead, knowing what will happen. Never behind, yet there to catch me if I were to fall....when I fall on a regular basis....by my side.

It is with my eyes that I see His glory all around. In the growing crops, in the mist over the fields, in the calf wandering to his mother while she waits patiently. In the dew on the blade of grass, in the mountain standing upright and snow-peaked. It is with my eyes that I see him, see a portion of His glory around me when I catch my shadow racing alongside me on my bike.
That is what I saw today. When I looked over my shoulder, when I took the time to look for Him. He was there. He was in my shadow, making me light up as that part of me raced over the corn, the grass, the plants, the trees, the roadway. Funny that I never noticed before, that little bit of shadow, like a lightbox...or an aura...kind of like how Christ is depicted in books...the funny little rays of light that shoot out from his body. I did that today. I stood and held my hands out, palms up, arms extended, and face to Him...and when I opened my eyes to look, I saw that I had Him all around me. He had lent me His glory for those moments...my own little rays streaming out from me while I stood in His creation.

He lent me His glory. I was humbled and cried while I rode. From the minute muscle fibers twitching to the blood flowing, from the tingling in my left hand to the tears on my cheek. from the eyelash that holds a pregnant teardrop to the tendon that holds my knee in place....I was completely His, and he allowed His glory to shine in and through me. I am NOT worthy. but for a moment, I was in heaven. I know He loves me, that He believes in me, and I know that I love Him and believe in Him...for that moment, I saw it. For that moment, we believed together.
If this is having my eyes opened...I love it.

He gave me a gift. He allowed me to feel Him so wholly today, for just a few moments, it was truly divine. Amazing. I love Him for the present.

For just a moment, I was truly living in all His fullness - so limited my imagination here on earth- in this present time, with my shortfalls and failings, I was able to see how He had created me, only by His Grace.

Intercession

I know that there are many scholarly articles on intercession, and I am by no means a scholar. I am only offering a note on how a verse hit me at this time in my life.

Romans 8:26, 27
26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Isn't it amazing that the Spirit is willing to help in our weakness? Those times when I am alone, feeling low, dark, lost...the Spirit is there, and is helping me. As in the "Footprints" poem, "those are the times I carried you..." I know I couldn't make it without Him, but to know that I don't even have to ask is glorious. When I am fearful, and when I have nothing, not a response, let alone a request, the Spirit is there, and is speaking for me with groans that I am too weak to utter. But I don't have to ask, I, a human, though fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, am still so simple, and so painfully human. But not lost, and not unworthy. For the Spirit is there, and is honoring me with His presence. Humbling.

That same Spirit who deigns to come into my heart and hear my childish fears and pleas is on the same wave with the saints...which is a direct line to God! While I will never know Him in this earthly body in the same way that I will in His paradise, the saints and the Spirit know NOW. And they are listening to me in my anguish. I am not sure how I got to the front of the "take a number for service" line, but Spirit, hear me now. My simple fears, my heart-rending groans...you know what I need, and how to bring it.

My life is not shocking in it's tragedy. I am not a child with cancer, I do not have a terminal illness, my family has not passed, nor have I suffered mishap....but I am simple, and I don't like big changes, and I am traveling this road to Him as a tenderfoot. I am uncertain of the future, and I am learning to take heart in what He says in His Word.

I will make it through the days ahead, I will walk this road, I will enter the future, not alone, but By His Grace.

Like The Sun

It occurred to me this morning that He is like the Sun. I realize that so many times there are references to Him being like the Son, as in His Son, but this time, I spent time thinking about how He is like the sun. Not only in the sense that He created the sun from nothing, which in itself is beyond my comprehension, but also in the sense that He is always there, that without Him life is not possible, that through Him we grow, and that away from Him we are cold.

Every day, the sun rises and sets. It is a pattern that will never grow old for me. Each day, if I get the chance to see the sunrise or sunset, I pause for a moment to behold the majesty, the tapestry of color in the sky. So often I am breathless for a moment as I see the colors stretch on the horizon from end to end, so rich, so soft, so vivid. God is like that, isn't He? Daily in our lives, never leaving us alone, creating colors and passions in our lives that are vivid, passionate, and real. He will create in our lives a living tapestry of color, experience and grace if we will allow Him. I don't always see the sunrise or sunset, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Just as I don't always see Him in my life, I know that He is there waiting.

On the days that the sun shines hotly down, especially those times when we haven't had sun for awhile, we do several things in my family. First, we bask in it, soaking up the warmth that comes down. I joke often that I am solar powered! We slow down long enough in the new warmth to let the sun cover us from head to toe. We make certain that we are warmed from the outside in, loving a visit from a friend that we haven't seen for too long. After this basking, we play. There seems to be a lightness of heart and spirit when the sun is out after an absence. People seem to be kinder to one another and we all seem to smile a little more. But then the sun stays for a few days, and while we enjoy the light, I know I can sometimes get a little snooty about the heat. There is still work to be done, and I tend to melt. Living in different places, the reaction seems the same, after a few days of direct sun, we like to find shade. Somewhere that the light isn't so bright, where the heat isn't so intense. A nice breeze is also appreciated. How much is this like God in our lives? After what we perceive as silence or absence from Him, how we glory in His return! We revel in His warmth, and lie for a moment for Him to warm us from the inside out! We allow Him to recharge us. We play in His warmth. In His love and joy for us as His children, we jump and squeal with delight. We are softer, a little less hurried. We smile a little more and enjoy each other's company. But then the heat continues. We realize that the life of this world hasn't slowed down any, and the pressures of this world continue to bear down. I know I tend to get a little grumpy with my Savior, and I turn my back on Him. I look for shade, or I go indoors and turn on the fan or the AC...anything to get away for a break from the intensity of His heat and the self-reflection brought on by His intense love.

And in the seasons of fall and winter, when we feel the sun is absent from our lives, He is still there. Faithfully, never changing, coming in from a different angle, the sun still shines, still warms and still grows. Just as He does. We shiver from the cold with out the light and warmth, but truly, the sun shines daily...what layer of clouds are we responsible for? What level of warmth will we let in from the outside? Will our light shine from the outside in? Or from the inside out? If I let Him, I am sure that He will warm me from head to toe, from the inside out, thoroughly, daily, completely...like the sun that He created. If I can open my heart to Him long enough, and on a daily basis, then By His Grace, I will have Him shining in my life each day!

Lost

In the same way, I tell you, He is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost. matthew 18:14

I realize that our God and Father is not wanting us to wander, to stray, but rather to be held in the palm of His hand, following gladly where He leads. I also realize there is great freedom in following Him. If only I was able to let go of my own desire to be the leader.

It seems so simple when I watch my children grow. They long to be the leader, and desire so strongly to have everyone else follow.Although they long to be the leader, they also are willing to follow. Where does the passion and push to be in front come from? Isn't it safer to stay back some and be part of the crowd? Isn't it the first one around the corner who usually gets hit? Isn't there safety in numbers?

Why then do I have this need to know? To be the one in the front with the controls in my hand? Do I really think that I can control any of what happens? I wonder what it is that gives me the illusion that I can do something, anything, better than He who created the universe...

Say that I decide successfully what to do with my day, from breakfast to doctor to lunch, naps and then dinner and bed again....how does this compare in any miniscule sort to creating a bird? from nothing.... Okay, starting smaller, how about a worm. Taking a cell and turning it into millions of cells, differentiating them one from the other in such a manner that they perform different functions...while I admit to being able to create a dinner from ingredients on hand, creating a living being is....well, I'll save it for the Creator. I feel honored to have been a vessel for three living beings, but had no role in making sure all those cells made the right move on the path to their final destination.

So what does this have to do with being lost? I am so lost. I am so far lost right now that it doesn't seem as if I will ever be found. The good Lord above is always watching and I am sure, always ready for me to jump wholeheartedly into His arms, but I am scared. I am able to see that there is freedom in Him, that I won't have to worry about so many things should I choose to be in Him completely, but I am so fearful of letting go of what I know that I don't know how to love Him completely, wholly. We have decisions coming up that scare me so badly that I feel sick. Do I know it will all work out? Yes. Do I know that He is good? Yes. Do I know for certain that if I pray and follow Him He will lead me into greater joy and freedom, passion and contentedness than I ever could dream possible? Unequivocably, yes. So what is holding me back? My own short-sighted fears of leaving what I know now to be relatively safe. My desire to keep things the SAME, as in the S-A-M-E that they have been for long to enough to be comfortable paralyzes me. I know that I trust Him enough to get through this, but inside I am struggling. I know He doesn't want me lost. I know that I will make it through another day, but only by His Grace.

Worry

Blessings to my spouse who left this morning and said these words to me..."Have a great day free from worry in the shadow of the Lord." Ahhhh. How I need those words because, well, I worry. Especially now, in these times, I worry.
Jesus devotes time to worry in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6. I think it funny that the Son of God would devote time to such a trivial thing. He is Lord above all and yet He knew that we, as humans would spend time worrying. Turning our brows together and wringing our hands over tomorrow.

Matthew 6:27 - "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Indeed. The hours we have now are so precious in watching children grow, flowers bloom, deadlines loom, accomplishments come and gone. And also so tedious. Another day, another hour of the same old thing. But with things today as they are, isn't it tempting to worry? To fret about what tomorrow will bring? What kind of security do we have in this world when we can't even be sure of what the future holds? Much less, our place and significance in it?
He answers that, too, in the verse before adding an hour to your life.

Matthew 6:25- "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

It is more than I can grasp to think that I am much more valuable to an Almighty God than a bird. When I look outside and see the hundreds of birds He created, and an almost infinite array of colors and shapes and sizes of them, I wonder how He can have time for me. In my normalcy, in my ordinary-ness, why would the God of the Universe spend time for me? Care for me more than the birds of the field?

The Bible has an answer for that, too!!!

Zephaniah, one of the minor prophets, talks in his book about the final day of Judgement of the Lord. Good to know that he knew what we all know also. The good guys win.

On that day, the day of Judgment, the day He comes again in Glory...

Zephaniah 3:16- "On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp.
17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

How like a mother or Father, singing over their child. Wow. The God of the Universe will delight in ME, when I am worried - as I seem to be a lot lately- He will quiet me with his love...He will put his hand upon my brow that is furrowed with worry, take in his hands mine that are busy with nervousness, and he will quiet me. My breaths that came quick and shallow will still, my heart that is racing will slow, and the God of all creation will rejoice over me with singing.....

Truly that can only happen By His Grace.

Good for me...

I read a verse today from I Corinthians 6:14..."You say, I can do anything, but not everything is good for you."
I am sure that Paul wrote that in a perfect time and place for the people of Corinth. I sometimes long for the chance to be back in that time and place. To have seen Jesus face to face, or Paul, or Peter, or Simon, or Timothy. I can't imagine being there with the Messiah as he walked and talked. Hearing him preach and teach in riddles. How does it compare to what we hear now in our daily language? Our words are so different from what we read in the Old English, for example, that I truly wonder how it would sound to have been there at that time. I wonder if the people who had traveled for a time and were tired and dusty, anxious and fearful, hoping only to see the One who heals and teaches, were still leaving the meeting or lesson just as tired and perhaps more frustrated? Did they come with high hopes only to have them dashed as this Great One talked about seeds and sheep? From the other side, I am certain that Jesus must have felt frustration along the way with his disciples. They asked some silly questions, and did some sillier things while in His company.
To have the patience of God, to Trust implicitly in His name and His plan is NOT something that is frustrating. Instead I think that what is frustrating is to trust partly. To think that I can do things on my own is silly, just like the disciples. To argue about who gets to sit next to the right hand of God in the honored spot is something I would do. I would feel deserving because I think I have done a few good things....I would think this is good for me. I would want it only once, and then perhaps be content to give it to someone else.
The people who traveled to see Him, the Israelites in the desert waiting for Moses to come down from Mt. Sinai, they thought they could do anything, I pray for the wisdom and the discipline to know that I cannot, but that He can!...I am so glad, so very blessed that God sent His son to gently bring me back, to be there with open arms waiting for me when I get it into my stubborn head to return to His embrace. I often think I can do anything, I am so glad that God is there when I realize, often painfully, that not everything is good for me.

Some days I don't feel like He is there. But I suppose that is part of being a Christian, that, just like so many actions in your day, you have to get up and CHOOSE, actively, to do or be something or someone. Each day, God surrounds us with His love and has a plan for us. Each day, without question, without fail. But we, because of the Fall, have to make an active choice to follow Him today. This minute. This time. For the better.

“[Praise to the LORD] O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.”- Isaiah 25:1

As I said in the first post, of course He knew that one day I would sit down at a computer and write about Him. So it should not come as a surprise that when I checked the verse for today, it is appropriate. In perfect faithfulness, He is there, He planned for today and He plans for tomorrow....always. So that we never have to plan, He has done it for us, and all we need to do is to Trust in Him....

Truly you are Good.
Thank you.

As I exhale frustration at my young child I wonder how my God exhales in frustration with me when I don't do as He asks. I wonder if either one of us will ever grow up...my child or my self....

Thank you for keeping me.

Again, another day By His Grace, and for His Glory.

By His Grace...

This is an attempt to do something my heart has been nagging me about. Perhaps not even my heart, if the title of the blog is anything to think about. I desire to learn more about God. To make my faith more real. To make my relationship with Him, our Holy Creator more real, and more of a relationship, not just an on again, off again fling. To walk with Him daily, talk with Him daily, and really get to know the Most Holy Creator of the Universe. It blows me away that before the world began, before it was created and proclaimed "good", He knew that I would not only be in existence one day, but that I would sit at a laptop computer and talk about the feelings of my heart toward Him. I cannot wrap my mind around that! Then again, if I could, I am not sure that He would be a God that I would want to worship in tears with my face hidden. Or with joy so complete that I am full to overflowing. Or that I would, in my ignorance, sometimes wonder if I really should fear Him, and worry about the day of Judgement and how I will be judged. Truly a God of wonder.
I think about things that happen, and wonder why. I know I am not alone in my wonderings, and know also that I am not asking a deep question. Some of the things in my life have brought me really low, to having nothing. But when I look back now, and even in the middle of my personal ground zero, I was so thankful to have all I did. Out of the ashes of our burned home, 6 months later came a baby. He was, still is, healthy, amazing, incredible, intelligent, and really, really wonderful. God allowed this to happen. Sometime last year, a friend of mine delivered a baby. He was full term, he was healthy. Mom and Dad brought him home, and discovered the joy of being parents for a week. They awoke one week to the day after he was born, and discovered that their little boy had gone home for good. That his stay on earth was so short was, and continues to be, heartbreaking. God allowed this to happen also. I don't understand. Rising from the ashes and car accidents and disease came a baby boy who lives today, yet from a typical pregnancy came a baby boy whose stay was short, almost to the blink of an eye.
I realize that we all have our stories. That to look at someone and judge, or to scoff and scorn at an attitude or an action is so superficial. I am guilty of this daily, and wonder at what my God would say....perhaps that is part of why I am writing this. To write makes something more real, and because I wonder at what my God would say, I am trying to find out. In my story there have certainly been ups and downs, valleys and exalted mountains, the view from either is breath-taking. I am truly fortunate. I am loved, accepted, cherished. I am held accountable and will be judged. I know also, I am forgiven.

I John 2:12 I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.
Thanks be to God, for Paul who wrote inspired by Your words.
Here is to another day By His Grace.