Oh, My Soul...

I hurt. I used to say that my heart hurts. Most of the time I am able to keep going and cover it over with the events of daily life, but every now and again I am unable to keep it at bay. The hurt. When I am distracted I am much happier, but then when I slow down, I see it again. I feel it again. I ache.
I also want to curse at You. I want to shake my fist and scream. But I am not a screamer, so I cry....and I ache. I close my eyes, and wonder at who I would be if I didn't feel this way. I yearn to be satisfied. I desire to end my discontent....and when I am distracted, it is not a problem. But when I slow down and feel the end of the day, when it all catches up to me, I burn.
Fat tears well up in my eyes and I feel them coursing through my soul. It's like something is eating me from the inside and won't stop. An almost physical pain that holds me down and makes me question all of You.

So I pray. I try to strike a deal with you. An "if - then" kind of proposition. "If You will....then I will...." and as the God of the Universe, the Maker of All Creation...You, and You alone have the power to answer my plea.

As my Heavenly Father, don't you want me happy? Your word says that if we ask in Your name then You will give us the desires of our hearts...in fact, that our joy will be complete!John 16:23

23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

And this is where I get in trouble. I am not knowledgeable about Your Word to take things out of context. So I wonder, am I truly asking in Your name?

Because I so want this, I want to be asking in Your name so that You'll give it to me! I am impatient. I am fretful. I am sore. I am lost. I am envious. I am hurting. I feel so empty. And yet, if we ask in Your name, our Heavenly Father will give, and my joy will be complete. What bliss!!

What is it that is so very wrong with me that I can't handle where I am? Why push? Why the disturbing feelings? Why the vexation? Why can't I get past this? Why does it seem there is only one answer to my thorn?

And then I read from Job...where his doubts are becoming destructive in his belief that You would do good for him....You answer....Job 40, 41, 42

Brace yourself like a man; I will question you. and you shall answer me.
Would you discredit my justice? Would you condemn me to justify yourself? Do you have an arm like God's, and can your voice thunder like his? Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor and clothe yourself ni honor and majesty. Unleash the fury of your wrath.....

You continue and talk about the wonders and marvels You have created, and how they are too much for the simple man....and I am oh, so simple.

Then Job answers You....I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?" Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, Listen now, and I will speak, I will question you, and you shall answer me. My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despised myself and repent in dust and ashes.

things too wonderful for me to know. For I know the plans You have for me...plans to prosper me, for good, not evil.

Open my eyes, Father, let me see...let me heal....by Your Grace.