Responsibility

It's been a long time, Lord....I know You haven't forgotten me, nor I, You....but I have been away from this computer, and this place to share my thoughts. But tonight You are working in me and I feel compelled to write. So I will...

First, You have been working in me since before I was born. You have started a great work in me, though I don't know that I could pinpoint, or even "broad side of a barn" locate it...but I do know that without a doubt, You are there.

In the last few days You put a book into my hands. Written by a man who spent time on his face, so much so that he wore the floor boards in his office into grooves...THAT takes effort, time, and patience. I have so much to learn. I was reading his book, and am learning about possession. Even before today, I would try to emphasize in my own heart that I don't OWN things. I always start there...that the "stuff" around me is that, just STUFF. All just things. Things can be replaced. Certainly exceptions, those heirlooms that are of sentimental value, or photos...but still, as the saying goes, you can't take it with you. For that I am so glad! I can't imagine trying to pack!! As I was thinking about possession, I was hit with the idea of Responsibility. The Things- and I capitalize Things, because they seem to take on a life of their own! - around me are mine. I possess them. But they do nothing in return. Sure, some perform a service, in the kitchen perhaps, or trigger a memory, or brush my teeth. From the exotic- not too much of that around here-, to the mundane, there are so many things here that I possess. If they break, and this is where it hit me, Lord...I am responsible for them. Ahhh...responsible. A duty.

I start with Things. I love some of them. My camera. I really enjoy having a car. I would be inconvenienced without it. When the weather is nice, I love my bike. Love the trailer that goes with it, so I can take kiddos along. I love warm, cozy blankets. But it doesn't take long to get done with Things. I try to remember to give them to You, Lord. That they are not mine, I am just borrowing them. I remember that for our kiddos, we stress what is important...we ask them, People or Things? We always hope they have the "right" answer...People, of course.

So when I am done with Things, I move on to PEOPLE. I think of those whom I love. Grandma, Mom, Dad, Brother, In-laws, nieces and nephews, cousins, friends. I try to give them to You. I pray that they are safe in Your hands, in Your care, in Your Grace. The ones I love come first. I would miss them if they were gone. I would be devastated if some of them were to go to be with You...but in my safety and naivete, I like to think that I would be joyful -at some level- for their chance to be with You in Your House! Then....after I have thought of those whom I love, that's when it gets hard....next comes those whom I LOVE.

It's different, Lord. love and LOVE. Don't You think, Father? As my Father, I am sure that You LOVE all Your children. I can't conceive of someone that You only would love. For You are GOD. And that is how it is with me...not that I am GOD, but that I LOVE four people. ...I try to give them to You, but it is painfully obvious that I struggle with it.

This book that You put in my hands, the part I am reading now is about being blessed by possessing nothing...it talks about Abraham. You asked him, Abraham, to take his son, to KILL him...according to this particular author, You asked this of Abraham because You saw that his child had taken Your place in his heart. From where You had reigned supreme in Abraham's heart, Isaac now sat. It started innocently enough, for Abraham was old when Isaac was born, he'd probably given up hope of having children...but this was Your covenant with him. So when Isaac was born, imagine the joy, the blessing, the celebration, the RELIEF. Of course, all those promises You had made would come to pass, now, here with this child, Isaac. And Isaac grew, he walked, he talked. He smiled at his mom and dad, he fell and scraped his knees, he cried, and he went to them for comfort. He learned alongside his dad, he asked for advice, he outgrew clothes, and he learned new skills. He became a man alongside his father, Your servant. I wrestle with this joy also. For when I look at my children, YOUR children. I am so blessed by them. When I look at my husband, YOUR son, I am so honored. In my weakness, I cannot fathom losing them. When I think of giving them to You, I choke. Don't You understand, Lord? I LOVE them!

I need them.

I think of my life without those whom I LOVE, and I suffocate. I claw at my throat, tears well in my eyes, and my stomach heaves. My baby. My boys. My partner and friend. I am lost. I am alone. I am parched and starved. I ache with longing for them, just in thinking of giving them to You. I would be nothing...worthless. Without them, lost. Wandering. Desolate. Their voices ring in my ear, I can see their expressions in my mind's eye, I imagine them on a constant reel in my head. They have wrapped their fingers around my heart, and I do...I LOVE them. You know this, right? Of course.

While I have been Away, I have struggled with the cliche of how to "give things to God". So this "possessing", this "responsibility", this LOVE...I have no answers. Except to say that I cannot imagine how it will happen. That I will give them to You.

Abraham was rich, yet he possessed nothing. He had given it all to You. There he was, about to slay his son, ready, because in the night he had come to the conclusion that You would raise him from the dead! He knew that You were faithful in Your promise to make a nation of Isaac! and so he trusted You.

I'd say that things were different then, that You talked to Your people differently than You do now....but I don't know for sure.

So when I think about Things, I'd like to say that I am pretty okay with giving them to You. I know I have gotten better.

When I think about those whom I love, I am not okay with giving them to You, but I try each day.

But there are desires in my heart, people and hopes that I LOVE. and I cry out to think that I have to give them up. I am wrenched to think that I must say goodbye. That I may have to accept that I will never have this dream. To give it all to You, and let You decide. It is a daily, hourly, minute by minute struggle. Tug-of-war with my heart. my soul. my ache.

To Abraham, perhaps You said something like this "It's all right. I only wanted to remove (this) from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love."

Really?

But I LOVE them.

and through my drying tears, Your Spirit intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express...and I come to a realization. O my Father, You DO know. You do know that I LOVE them, that I would be bereft, devastated, alone, if You took them from me. You know because You did it. You LOVED Your Only Son, and yet You killed Him for me. You gave Him to me...and look what I did with Him. I was responsible for Him, I was to take good care, and I broke Him. But You knew this ahead of time, and still You trusted me. and to this day, You trust me. You long for my LOVE. In the temple of my heart, You long to be KING. And I have others there because I LOVE them.

I promise you, daily, nightly, I will talk to You. I will come to You. I will offer them to You, even though I LOVE them...I LOVE You, too. I will, I will offer them to You, and I will pray that they are safe in Your keeping. For You are God, my God, and You will never forsake me.

But please don't take them. Or take me, too. I don't know if I could be here without them. I LOVE them.

I can't just give them to You, but I will try. again, and again, and again...perhaps someday, I will be able to give them to You completely, only by Your Grace.